Saturday, December 26, 2009


Why do I always put my heart in front of every thing? I allow it to idle me, letting it distract me from my goals. AHH!!! Well, having rid that, I keep wondering about this road I'm on. If I really work that hard, is the life I want within reach? Will it be enough? Am I enough? I haven't a clue. I will no longer have certain issues to worry about or love affairs to fix. Despite all that I hear all around me and what others pry themselves into, I only want one thing. Success. 2010 will be the beginning to that start.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

beat up.

I don't have anything left to give. Each time it's taken a piece of me until there wasn't any left. Each time I gave a little more and a little more. My heart is exhausted. No more. I want to but it just can't take anymore of anything.

Monday, December 21, 2009


Ridiculous Unreasonable Passionate & True Love.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

my realm.

I love listening to the piano compositions that Carter Burwell did for Twilight. It takes me to another world that I get engulfed happy place. The only way I know how to refer it so others can understand is "getting dark." I don't feel dark but when others see me, they think I'm down. It's okay, they don't need to understand this state of being as long as I want to be there. It's weird sometimes seeing life in different dimensions but as long as I can go back it's okay. I wish I could stay in this realm but life won't let me right now. Call it a fantasy world or just something another could never understand.

The only lightness that exists is from the sky after it's just rained, still cloudy. The purity of love and positivity is the only thing that exists. Even when making love, the intensity is so great and heartfelt you feel like you're communicating with the soul of that person. Running through the fields of God's green earth stepping in crisp grass.The smell of fresh air piercing through your nose and pores, the wind dancing with your hair. Sounds of acoustic guitars and piano fill the air. Drinking fresh brewed coffee in brown mugs near the fireplace writing, reading, and good conversations. Contentment. Content with who you are, what you've accomplished in life, having someone complete you in ways you never knew was void. The depth of love is so deep you would protect them against anything, be partners in everything, and loving so hard, hurting one another just isn't possible.

This is MY world. This is where I get lost.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009


This week is going to be a hectic but a wonderful one! From exams to "special engagements" to club events to coming back home and the Blink 182 concert. I am going to be exhausted but this is what I live for. Knowledge, positivity, love, headbanging, and adventure. Let's do this!!!!

Sunday, September 13, 2009

pink socks.

I feel soo blessed to be here and have these remarkable people in my life. *sigh* If you knew where I was coming from and the living conditions I was forced to abide to, you would understand. I come from a place of discouragement, plastic, negativity, backstabbing, shallowness. I've met people of different sorts to know what a gem looks like. The list goes on but the point is that I am so thankful that God has placed these people in my life. One in particular has shown me love in a different form that I've been searching for since I can remember. Nali, I just wanted to write about you and tell you that you're soo awesome. You always take the time to invite and bring me along because I suppose you know I'm new here. It's nothing but positivity and laughter when we hang :D. It's so refreshing to have positive people in my life! I guess that's what you kind of are, fresh air. I've always wondered why I've never found someone that is genuine and open-hearted that could return the friendship I was willing to give. Sometimes you can just meet someone and know you'll be friends forever. I feel that way with you =) SO to sum up all the mushy stuff, I love you and I think you are one in million!
Love Love Love <3

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

study. no, really this time.

So, I missed class again, the same one to be exact from last week. I'm a bit disappointed in myself because I took my eye off of what my purpose was in being here. I said I came here to work so that is what I shall do.
Textbook orders.
Grocery shopping.
& studying. Intensive studying.
What wouldn't I do for this...

Monday, September 7, 2009


I should smile because I deserve to. So, I will =)

Sunday, September 6, 2009


Every soul deserves to enjoy this voyage of life with an untainted heart. People will hurt you, misunderstand you, and try to darken that live spirit that each of us possess.

I sit here with a tainted heart. I can survive this because I have experienced worse, sadly to say. The devastation that I felt some months ago has given me some immunity to get through the days. I believe no one can hurt you like a fresh open gash like when you open your heart so widely that your senses are amplified to new heights. You feel emotions a lot stronger to where it slightly hurts. You see crystal clear all the beautiful things that have always existed that no one takes notice anymore. You thank the Creator for making you in this time frame just for that specific person. This is how I truly love. Once you have passed the fine line of love and forever, how do you retract back? How do you say, "I'll try again?" How do you reopen your soul for another when you were so sure? How many times must you reopen? My throat is tight as I write this because I am in the midst of the storm. I have always looked for my sunny day. Sometimes I get tricked in to thinking I have found it but, like I said, it was a joke being played on me.

As much as I love hard, I seem to feel hurt much more as I do love. I do not love perfectly, but I know I love purely. My aggression and anger sometimes get the best of me because it is the only way I know how to release such sorrow and pain from the depths inside. People that may not know me as well as they think they do get confused and/or turned off and leave. As every element makes up an individual, I will never apologize for a negative aspect of my personality. I accept people with their greatest downfalls and perks. I accept all of the people in my life as I know they will accept me in return. I stand here firmly to the ground because I know people turn away when things get rough and unpleasant. Those who stand by you and love your strengths, and most importantly your flaws, deserve you. Those who do not, don't. It is who is there at the end.

Yes, love is pain. Love is more than pain. It is more about feeling so blessed that you are alive. Of course every one can fend for themselves and survive on their own, emotionally speaking. The great thing about love is that you don't have to do it alone. In addition, you experience life differently, passionately when you've found it.

I know that I will be great someday. I will have every thing I've ever wanted that is in my control because positivity has a way of working those things out. I don't feel great but I will when that day comes. I know I am a good person that will have many more great memories with the people I love. The good thing about a tainted heart is that it isn't forever tainted. It rebuilds like a revived heartbeat that pulses thick and rich blood in to your soul. That is how I intend to live my life whether I am alone doing it or fortunate enough to share it with someone special one day. As for right now, the rain beating against my window will beat until the clouds part and that one ray of shine will appear through. * * *